


Masks and Shining Eyes

by gay-theprayaway (otomemiyakatsumi331)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, During Canon, M/M, Minor Character Death, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, acwnr spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 12:13:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3067409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otomemiyakatsumi331/pseuds/gay-theprayaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The expression he wears is so clear, so different from the usual bored annoyance that he bears... Levi wears his indifference as a mask, and to see him looking so raw leaves Erwin’s heart aching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masks and Shining Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> A oneshot inspired by the events in the episodes "Erwin Smith" and "The Defeated".

Steam rises before Erwin’s eyes as he shouts retreat orders at his soldiers. He glares with bitter disgust at the grotesque Titans huddled around the remains of the Female Titan’s body. Squinting ahead, unable to see more than 10 meters in any direction with the limited visibility, he waits silently for the only ones- who he secretly admits- matter most.

Hanji swings beneath his branch, goggles glinting in the slight sunlight that peeks through the treetops.

Mike soars above his head, his forearm coated in sizzling Titan blood.

A few more breathlessly endless moments pass before Levi comes hurtling out of the curling foggy tendrils. 

They exchange a glance and Erwin can see the final traces of the killing light in Levi’s eyes begin to fade. He mentions something offhand about the Titans’ filth, and turns towards the spot where Erwin knows that his squad is.

“Levi, stay back and resupply.”

Levi looks at him sharply, mouth opening to deliver a retort.

“That’s an order, Levi,” Erwin cuts him off sternly. Levi’s mouth forms a hard, thin line and whatever protest that had been forming in his throat is forgotten.

“I'll trust your judgement, Erwin,” he says instead, jettisoning himself down to the last of the supplies.

Erwin pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling like he can’t breathe through the tightness of his throat and the shaking of his body. He can’t feel this way now, not when they’ve already lost so many with nothing to show. As always, he’s relying on Levi, using him as a pawn again.

When Levi alights once more on the branch, Erwin can’t look him in the eyes. He has nothing to say to this man, who means so much, and has had so little given to him. A slim hand touches him, curling index finger and thumb under his chin and forcing him to look into Levi’s face. The expression he wears is so clear, so different from the usual bored annoyance that he bears. It’s a face that Erwin knows only a trusted few have ever experienced. Levi wears his indifference as a mask, and to see him looking so raw leaves Erwin’s heart aching. 

Silently, Levi presses up onto his toes, pulling Erwin down to meet his lips halfway. Erwin’s hands graze the middle of Levi’s back, and he wants to grab fistfuls of his jacket and force him to stay. But he knows that if he allows himself to hold on, it will be impossible to walk away when this fleeting moment is over. They break apart by a few inches, relishing the strange intimacy of lips almost touching, and Erwin whispers, “Come back to me safe.”

Levi doesn’t answer, he simply presses his fingers to Erwin’s lips before firing his gear and swinging out of Erwin’s field of vision accompanied only by the sharp hiss of the gas escaping.

The whole exchange couldn’t have taken more than 30 seconds, yet Erwin can’t help but wonder if his moment of selfishness could have cost more than he realizes.

* * *

There’s something mechanical within him that raises his arms and sends him flying through the trees suspended on the dancing wires. A commander doesn’t get to be human when there are hundreds whose lives are depending on his actions. So he quickly catches up to Hanji and Mike who are leading his horse and explains everything as well as he can. 

He’s functioning, yes, but his mind never truly leaves Levi’s side. He can see the dark-haired soldier flying through the dark forest, and his knuckles go white as he hears the explosions of what he can only assume are Titan transformations and squeezes his reins too tightly. But he faces forward, aware of all the other officers examining his reaction, and remains as empty as a mirror with no reflection. They all have their masks, and Erwin’s is blankness.

* * *

Erwin can’t explain what he feels when Levi returns with Eren, Mikasa, and four corpses. Levi’s face is bone white and taut as he gently places each body alongside the other hundreds, and he explains to Nanaba that he injured his leg in the fight with the Female Titan. 

He recalls the names of Levi’s squad, and doesn’t remember Gunter or Erd. Petra and Auro he remembers however, their time serving in his squad before they joined Levi’s special forces. He remembers Petra’s shining eyes as she proudly saluted him as her captain for the first time, and remembers Auro’s abrasive arrogance that belied an surreptitious vulnerability. 

He looks at Levi’s flat, but still living eyes, and feels the knot of anxiety in his stomach release at the same time that his heart clenches. Levi refuses to look him in the face, simply falls into position behind Erwin and flattens against the horse’s neck as he kicks into top speed.

Erwin’s gut roils with the beginnings of the guilt that seems to follow every expedition he’s ever led.

By the time they’ve sighted the walls, both of their masks are stuck firmly back in place.

* * *

As soon as he’s able to abandon his duties, Erwin seeks Levi out. He finds the shorter man standing alone behind an outbuilding, shaking.

“Your leg?” Erwin asks uncertainly.

Levi whirls on him, eyes dry but tortured.

“Why did you make me stop? You knew the risk. I could have saved them if you hadn’t slowed me down. Why did you make us convince Eren that he shouldn’t transform. If he’d transformed when we were around to help him, they could fucking be alive right now!” Levi’s voice rose, trembling.

“If you hadn’t resupplied, you would have been with them. We would have lost Eren.”

Levi’s eyes blaze, but he answers quietly once more. “This is your responsibility, not mine. It should have been you that had to listen to Petra’s father speak of how she wanted to dedicate her life to me. You should have been the one to tell him that she’s dead. Don’t talk to me, bastard.”

Entire body tense, Levi storms away. Erwin watches him go, feeling strangely disconnected from his emotions. He notices the hitch in Levi’s step and hopes distantly that he’ll go to the infirmary, even making a mental note to mention it to Hanji.

Complacently, he walks toward his office and then everything hits him at once. He stops behind the next building only to sinks to his knees, clenching his fists and punching the wall until his knuckles bleed.

* * *

Several days later, Hanji approaches him as he’s reading the official letter summoning him and Eren to the capital for judgement.

“Commander,” Hanji says, offering a quick salute.

Erwin nods without looking up, beckoning them into the room.

“Erwin, may I speak with you informally?” Hanji asks with a surprisingly grave air.

He looks up from the troubling letter to see Hanji frowning through their glasses.

“You need to go see him. He’s refusing to talk to anyone.”

Erwin grimaces at his lightly bandaged hands, muttering, “He told me that he doesn’t want to see me.”

Stepping forward, Hanji places their hand over Erwin’s clenched fists. “Speaking as your friend, I think that you both need to talk. You know that he doesn’t talk to anyone but you.”

“Alright,” Erwin says through the dryness of his throat.

* * *

That evening he walks into the infirmary with a knot of anxiety tangling up his abdomen, grim expression locked on his face. His mask rather.

He slips quietly into the room which is filled with the orange glow of the setting sun. It’s washing over Levi’s face as he frowns at a small novel in his hand, apparently displeased at its contents. Erwin freezes as Levi looks up and trains his narrow eyes on the tall figure entering the room. His face is relaxed, except for a tightness around the eyes that Erwin knows becomes more pronounced in every soldier after returning from an expedition. 

He’s wearing the mask, but his eyes are betraying him. Erwin can see the cloudiness lurking behind the eyes revealing that the detachment from reality is not feigned this time. 

Erwin sits down, aware of Levi’s hazy eyes following his movements.

“I have no excuses for you, Levi. You were right.”

“Then why are you here?”

“To offer my explanation, if you'll have it. My goal is and has always been to lead humanity to freedom. And in order to do that, humanity must come first- always. It is my duty, and because of the path I walk, I can’t be like others; like normal people. My emotions and feelings and personal desires take second seat to the concerns of how my actions affect humanity. To allow you or Eren to die would be the ultimate step back in terms of humanity’s success.” Erwin pauses, tries to compose himself, because he can feel his mask slipping away. 

“No matter what I may feel now about how those actions affected those who I care about, I did what I needed to do as a commander and as the agent of humanity’s freedom.”

“You self-righteous bastard,” Levi says, but there’s no bite to it.

Erwin looks up, locks eyes with Levi. He can see a spark of the old light reflecting there, and it reminds him of the delicacy that Levi’s expression had shown during their brief moment in the forest. His own mask is slipping away once more, and he can’t bring himself to stop it. His face contorts, and he looks away from Levi again.

“Men like me are the best and worst of all people,” Erwin says thickly, “Men who have goals that they will sacrifice anything for. Men who go to monstrous means for a glorious goal. That is me. Men like this are hard to love... I am hard to love, because I have so little of myself to give. I’m not allowed to care when the things that I do hurt you. I can’t keep you safe from the sacrifices I have to make, because so often they’re your sacrifices-”

“Shut up,” Levi says, and Erwin is jolted out of his building rant of self-hatred. “You’re hardly as hard to love as someone like me. Someone who’s had so much stolen away that they hide away what little they have left.”

Erwin can practically see the images whirling through Levi’s mind- of countless soldiers who had died under his order, of the squad that he had dared to trust, and of those two who had been his world when he lived in the dark. Tentatively Erwin clasps Levi’s hand in his own, and Levi’s furrowed brow relaxes slightly as he continues to stare ahead.

“What do you think it would have been like if things were different?” Erwin asks softly, stroking the skin on the back of Levi’s hand.

“Different?”

“If you and I had led normal lives? If humanity’s burden hadn’t been ours to bear?”

“Normal lives, huh?” Levi’s eyes glaze for a fleeting moment, then clear as he turns his head to face Erwin. “No use imagining. This is the shitty life we’ve been given.”

Pushing away the sheets covering him, Levi swings his legs over the edge of the bed and pushes himself to his feet without warning.

“Levi,” Erwin says warningly, reaching out an instinctively protective arm.

“It’ll hold up for now,” Levi observes dryly, lightly tapping the lean muscles of his thigh. Erwin takes off his civilian jacket, placing the large garment over Levi’s comparatively slight shoulders. As is so often the case, Levi says nothing. He simply shrugs it more securely onto his frame and wraps his hands in the lining. 

Erwin’s hands don’t leave the jacket, and Levi turns around between his arms, bringing their bodies with no more than a few inches of space. Erwin leans down hesitantly, still somewhat unsure if he’s forgiven and Levi presses against his mouth and body with an obvious answer. Erwin lets himself hold on this time, capturing the back of Levi’s neck between his palms. The soft, short hairs there brush against his hands, and Erwin clutches Levi against him, aching for this moment to stretch into infinity.

They both break apart unwillingly, and Levi’s hands curl into loose fists against Erwin’s chest where they had been resting.

They both know that their masks are only set aside for now. But for this rare, dazzling instant in their wildly vacillating lives they can silently bask in the wispy intangible dream of something beautiful and real.


End file.
